Member-only story
How to Handle Life When You Worry About Death Constantly
A lesson on living with the dark side of your psyche
I am a bubbly and optimistic person. Most days, I feel very hopeful and am able to take control of my thoughts.
Except when I love too hard.
Shortly after my daughter was born, I was diagnosed with postpartum obsessive-compulsive disorder. PPOCD manifests differently in the postpartum phase than regular OCD.
PPOCD is marked by intrusive, doom-filled thoughts of something bad happening to you or your baby.
I would picture very vivid scenarios of death, funerals, and injury. These thoughts were clear and very horror movie-like. It really impacted my experience as a first-time mother.
Thankfully, I no longer have these thoughts constantly. A combination of meds and therapy helped me get through this and my PPOCD is currently in remission.
When I look back, I’m not shocked that I developed this debilitating illness. My whole life, whenever I would be thinking about how much I love someone: A flash would happen in my brain and I would think about life without them.
Sometimes, I get very upset when our family is all together. For some reason, during a happy occasion, my mind goes to a very dark place. I fear losing my parents…
