I Am Writing Through Grief After Losing My Dog and It Is Difficult

A personal story of writer’s block during a time of transition

Last Thursday, I experienced the death of someone very close to me for the first time in my life. I had to euthanize my best friend, my border collie Lucky.

Lucky was very sick and I made the right choice to let him go, but my heart feels like it has been ripped out and stomped into the ground.

I realize that I am fortunate to be 35 and going through this struggle now instead of when I was younger. I realize he wasn’t a human being.

However, this is my first true heartbreak over death and I am suffering.

I started writing as a career on December 8th, 2019. Since that day, I have had a steady flow of ideas, to the point that I had to make a list on my phone so I wouldn’t forget them all.

The list on my phone is full of ideas I am not passionate about right now. I decided to write about how I’m feeling instead.

It may not be read or recognized by anyone, but maybe it will help me purge this darkness inside of me.

I need to claw my way out of this abyss.

In my first month of freelance writing, I have been published by “The Startup” and had an article written about my work. My statistics are improving daily.

I feel like my medium experience has been very rewarding and I don’t want to lose my momentum.

Since losing my dear Lucky, I am suddenly experiencing writer’s block. I cannot think of anything but my grief.

I have to keep writing though, we are experiencing financial problems. I really want to help my family get out of debt. I also feel like writing helps me sort through my feelings.

I have been writing since he passed away and the only thing that I am proud of from the last week is the article I wrote about my departed friend.

I wrote it on the night he passed away, I thought I heard him in the middle of the night. When I got up to get some water, I decided to stay up and write a goodbye letter to him.

It wasn’t curated but it received over 600 reads from my friends and family and that meant a lot to me.

I wanted people to understand why I was taking this loss so hard and I had to tell our story. We had quite a life together and as I wrote it, I felt his spirit around me.

Everything else I have written since then has been empty words. I feel a disconnection to my preferred topic of self-improvement.

I am writing just to write and I am not happy with my work.

I don’t want to quit but my thoughts are at a standstill. My heart is broken, I can barely eat. I am struggling. I am bouncing between being angry at everyone around me, to crying, to pushing everyone away.

I don’t even feel like myself right now. I am usually a positive, happy person with very little chaos or drama in my life. I wasn’t ready for this.

Somehow, I feel my thoughts flowing right now. This is a release and it feels good.

I love to write. Aside from the time I spend with my husband and daughter, it is my favorite pastime.

Writing makes me feel good about myself, it makes me happy, and it makes me feel like I’m making a contribution to society.

Maybe writing will help me get through the grief I am feeling?

I am starting to wonder if writing found me at this time for a reason. I want to make my family proud and help us financially.

I’ve usually given up on things when times get tough, but something is telling me not to give up on my writing.

Lucky was my soulmate in a dog’s body, my “heart dog”. It may sound insane, but I feel like his spirit is with me even if his body isn’t.

If he could talk to me right now, I know that he would tell me to keep going.

As I am writing this, my tears are drying. I am feeling a little better. The darkness is still there but I can see some light.

I can still smell Lucky’s head, feel his soft ears in my hands, and hear him pacing around like he always did.

He visits me daily and without warning. I believe his spirit is here with me right now, telling me to press on.

“Writing helps me to create order out of chaos and make sense of things. It helps me to understand what I’ve experienced, what I’ve felt and seen, so it becomes a little easier to handle. On the other hand, I don’t want it to be just a cathartic experience, an outpouring of grief or whatever it is.”- Miriam Toews

Amy Cottreau is a freelance writer who hails from a small city in Atlantic Canada. She enjoys interacting with fellow writers, dreaming of ideas for her next article, and researching a myriad of topics.

Wife, mother, and researcher of a myriad of subjects. I love to write about anything and everything! Writer for The Startup, Better Marketing, & The Ascent👊

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